Understanding where I am, what I do

there-is-no-tired-like-end-of-year-teacher-tired--0d34a_thumb[2]I am not from here (Chicago). and so I find myself in the predicament as stated by the Apostle Paul: in the world but not of it. I have personally struggled these past two years as a teacher because there is a disconnect between me and the students I have served. I feel myself sometimes ringing false, swinging between the intellectual and the highly fabulous. my students and even my colleagues know very little of who I am and what I believe. I do not feel like I fit in at all-not as an educator, a person, or an entity for change. I have found this whole experience slightly unpleasant, and I wonder if maybe my personality simply does not support me teaching at this or any level.

I don’t like to call parents who should be keeping in touch with me. I hate being held responsible for things I can’t control-like attendance, gaps in knowledge, homework, and bad parenting (or none at all). Parents unwilling to acknowledge or accept that their children need help beyond suspensions and ass whoopings. I hate the endless, meaningless paperwork of it all. I hate the passing of the buck-just yesterday I had to get the principal straight in front of a parent: I had less than 60 instructional days to prepare students for testing, and she wanted to make that student’s not passing MY FAULT. I hate the never ending workload.

I said all that to say: I have struggled to find my place as a teacher in this city. don’t get me wrong- I am pretty good as a teacher and with time will be unstoppable. I just don’t know how cut out I am to teach these kids in these circumstances. How can I be? My experiences in life are mostly alien to my students and their parents. My expectations seems almost ridiculous. My frustrations have become unbearable. I have been counting the days until I can go home for the summer in a state of desperation. I believe I hate teaching.


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