I promise not to cry

Miedo-ajeno
Image via Wikipedia

My heart’s swollen,
Pressed fat up in my throat.
The script that I
Wrote all by myself jangles as
The words fly all over the place-
In my mind
(when I was rehearsing the sound)
It seemed good, like
A good and steady idea.
I would show myself to be
strong without needing you
To speak for me, be on my behalf…
I would prove my worth, establish myself:
Stand up for my own opinion, finally.

But now I’m standing here, heart
Stuck just above my clavicle,
Vulnerable to what comes next, what happens next-
What you say next.
I bite my tongue
Refusing to give way to the pressures of:
Of you being right
Of my being wrong one more time
Of you being perfect
Of me being a failure at this game;
I blink fast and seriously-you see,
I promised not to cry
Not again
Not this time I promised not to cry

Not this time
Not again
I promised not to cry
I blink fast and seriously-you see,
Refusing to give way to the pressures of:
Of me being a failure at this game
Of you being perfect
Of me being wrong one more time
Of you being right;
I bite my tongue
Vulnerable to what comes next, what happens next-
What you say next.
But now I’m standing here, heart
Stuck just above my clavicle.

I would prove my worth, establish myself:
Stand up for my own opinion, finally.
I would show myself to be
strong without needing you
To speak for me, be on my behalf…
In my mind
(when I was rehearsing the sound)
It seemed good, like
A good and steady idea.
The script that I
Wrote all by myself jangles as
The words fly all over the place-
My heart’s swollen,
Pressed fat up in my throat.

I promised not to cry.

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