One day while engaged in the deliciousness of pleasure reading, I came upon a quote which said:
“I stopped loving my father a long time ago. What remained was the slavery to a pattern.” (Anais Nin)
While the beginnings of the quote may not reflect your current situation, the second line applies to us all. As we go through life we accumulate experiences that often leave us emotionally bloodied. Usually we have gotten over the event or person who perpetrated the psychic violence and have moved on with our lives. Yet what remains are battle scars that alter how we respond to and interact with the world. Each scar represents a pattern that emerges in our everyday lives without us even realizing it. That first real scar often produces a pattern that repeats itself over and over as we wonder why certain things in our lives never quite work out the way that we feel it should.
For me, the initial scar did come from a disconnect with my biological father–the pattern became believing that I am loved only because of what I do rather than who I am. Even though I had left off loving him and trying to get him to love me, my relationships with men always left me feeling angry, used, and unloved. Until I recognized what those patterns were, until I retraced my steps to the root of all of my issues, I never had a satisfying relationship with a man. I had to take a real look at just myself and my part in seeking out destructive relationships. I could no longer blame “so-and-so” for being a jerk. I had to see beyond what each guy did wrong and focus on how I came to be there in the first place. And at each mental and emotional stop, I saw how that first incorrect idea–that I wasn’t worthy of love and that I had to work for it–played itself out throughout the course of my life. It was only when I began to address that pattern of it all did I find my way into a real love of myself and true love with someone else.
Perhaps your scars come from other places besides mine. Wherever those patterns originated, the fact is that they are there. Until you figure out the pattern and go back to a place of emotional security inside yourself, you will never be fully happy. Are you tired of repeating the same old song? Are you fed up with flailing and failing in certain areas of your life, but don’t understand why? I can promise you that the answer lies in finding the pattern and creating a new one in its place.