Sometimes–not often, but sometimes, I am overcome with a complete lack of peace. Peace succumbs to blackout level rage. I am unknowable and indescribably horrible when it happens.
Some of it is hormonal. The “time of the month” (also known as my menstrual cycle) creates a wave of pure negative energy that I cannot control. I have tried birth control pills, anti-anxiety and anti-depressant drugs, alcohol, solitude, holistic remedies. Nothing works. I try to stay away from and steer clear of any and everyone for 24 hours prior, but with a job, kids, and husband–well. You know how that ends. They have to eat and some point, and my husband no longer seems to know to cook.
Sometimes, it is emotional. The last 5 years have been excruciatingly frustrating: a rocky, barely there marriage, high energy kids, a job I no longer want to have any parts of, the brink of poverty, a city I hate living in after leaving a city that I loved, a husband with no job, one car that we can barely keep payments up on… My stress levels have literally destroyed the roof. Add to that an unnatural ability to press my way when others before me just lie down, and you have a big ball of pent up stuff, a ticking time bomb to be cliche about it.
All the times, it is frustrating.
How do you maintain a level of sense when you want to pop like a thousand helium filled balloons? I don’t have a single answer, except prayer and asking lots of forgiveness.
I know for a fact that God wants me to have full peace, and that requires giving up more and more control–which is NOT my ministry. I refuse to walk around condemned about it, but how can I NOT feel bad after flipping out (even for legit reasons)? Like I said, it is frustrating. I feel like a bad representative of the kingdom.
The thing that saves me? I know that God isn’t getting ready to strike me down old testament style. He is rooting for me, and Jesus is interceding for me, and the Holy Ghost is leading me. ..slowly, but leading me nonetheless.
That’s it. I have no fancy solutions on this one. Just sharing my heart. Now I need to go write some apologies.