It sucks when you know that you aren’t living up to your potential.
When I look back at 2013 and 2014, I see myself failing-and when not failing, flailing. I worked at a job that I really don’t like. Shoot! I worked at many jobs that I didn’t like: didn’t enjoy, accomplished ZERO. Many days I was barely holding it together emotionally; my physical health suffered from overeating to deal with stress and unhappiness, and my spiritual life was up and down. I jeopardized my marriage along with losing faith in myself and my ability to make wise choices about anything. I allowed my gifts and talents to be used, taken for granted by just everybody.
I reached the end of my rope when, in a fit of rage, I almost fought a student. The pressure had built up so much that a moment of disrespect that I would have normally blown off caused me to blow up. I nearly threw away everything in a matter of seconds. When I came to myself, I broke down in tears. I was starting to dislike myself and everything associated with my life.
I finally had all that I could stand when my family moved 3 times in 6 months. I stopped participating in anything that anybody needed from me. I went to work and hid from everyone; I came home and did the work of home and went to bed; I stopped helping my husband pursue yet another “plan” of his. Even though I was moving through life like usual, I had pretty much stopped living.
I guess you could call me a functional depressive? I was over it. I did what I was supposed to but not much more than that. Because. LIFE.
One day, in a fit of rage, I drove around in my car (nigh on the verge of repossession if they can find me) and screamed at God at the top of my lungs: “WHAT IS LIFE??? I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE!!! I AM ANGRY AT YOU BECAUSE WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP GOING THROUGH THE SAME CRAP??? IT’S NOT EVEN MY STRUGGLES THAT I AM GOING THROUGH! WHYYYYYY?” You know, because I talk to God like that sometimes.
He did not respond. Because God does not DO tantrums.
When I got finished crying and yelling, one thought came to me: Opposition brings opportunity. To drive the point home, Bishop T D Jakes’ message Your Opportunity in Opposition popped up in my Podcasts on iTunes.
My next thought was, SO THAT’S HOW YOU FEEL, JESUS? TALKING BOUT SOME OPPOSITION AND OPPORTUNITY? But I listened, because one thing I did know was that I was tired. Tired of struggling, tired of crying, tired of trying, tired of being tired.
And you know what? After I listened to that podcast and the ones that came after it, I understood that this time of complete suckiness in my life has had a purpose, the most important one being that I had become so uncomfortable with where and who and what and how I was. Bishop Jakes likened it to a baby eagle getting put out of the nest–the mother stirs up sticks in the bottom that make it hard for them to stay. They have to fly or fall. In the midst of all my weeping and gnashing of teeth, I had shed every pretense. God used this valley to show me who He made me to be.
And that is how God and TD Jakes ganged up on me. I am not yet at 100%, but everyday–regardless of circumstance and situation–I am into being the person God created me to be.