I think I am not much different from anybody else when I write. I write what I feel, what comes to my mind; I enjoy sensing the words come together to form ideas that I share. What I failed to take into account this time are the ways those things are interpreted by others. The assumption that I made (erroneously) was that people who knew me would get it, and people who did not know me would read it and move on. That did NOT happen!
I walk a fine line in a writing life filled with strangers, associates, friends-of-friends, friends, and family. As pointed out to me tonight though, most people (however close to me they are), don’t really know me that well–a conundrum of my own solitary making.
So when I experienced such a serious reaction to the post from earlier today, I was kind of surprised. In my mind, it was just like anything else I write: slightly hyperbolic with a summation at the end. I figured that like always, my words represented what every person who has ever lived a life like mine with moments could relate to. And for many, it did.
But many other people took it personally and took it literally and took it as an exact picture of my life, and that was not my intent. Looking back at it, I did not do the best job of finishing it off, and my penchant for sarcasm and exaggeration overrode my point.
Worst than that, I upset people who are near and dear to me.
For this, I apologize.
So in case you are wondering: no, my life is not falling apart. Things are fine. I had a feeling–a selfish one (like I sometimes do)–that I tried to turn into a story of sorts, but I did not execute very well. So to everyone who was hurt, embarrassed, or concerned (or even gleefully happy at my made up demise):
My family is just great. I love them. They love me. We have a normal, happy life. And I promise to be more mindful about how I put things into words before I send them into outer space when it comes to them.
whatever I cannot undo
the things not taken back
words spoken that were misconstrued
all of the grace I’ve lacked
the angry outbursts from my lips
the rich profanity
the hand rested upon my hips
the swift delivery
just know that I apologize
I beg your sweet mercy
though my action often belies
such bold humility
I want to do much better than
performances now past
so that I can claim perfection
before my God at last
then too to find true happiness
in life abundantly
rather than choose temptuousness
which causes misery.
I ask you in all humbleness
forgive each time I have transgressed
as I attempt to prove each day
that I improve along Christ’s way