On the road to greatness, God has continuously shown me horrible things about myself so that I can do better. When I tell you that there has been a tidal wave of conviction, My words cannot do the flood of revelation justice. This last one really got me, because I had lied and denied so much that I had literally exchanged the truth for a big fat fib: I CARE about money.
Of course, we all kind of care about money because we need it to make transactions in life, right? But this was more than just me being aware of and concerned about money. No, this had reached mammon proportions.
No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
Down in my heart, I had been tussling with this very thing. Money had become a little god in my household–and I suffered because of it. I grew frustrated at what seemed to be a financial rut we could never get out of. I grew resentful of what felt like endless sacrifice with no return on investment. I wept real tears sometimes, I’d be so mad. But what was really happening to me while God allowed this desert experience was that I was learning what it meant to really trust God. When there was nothing left–no options, no rescues, no grand hustles to try, what did I really trust? Did I trust God or did I trust money?
When I looked at the mirror held up to my face, I definitely trusted money. I had become bitter and stingy and ashamed about money. I had lost joy because of money. I had made money my source and it had failed me. Every time. Over time, money somehow became a primary source, and it took me this long to recognize that I had exchange a sure thing for a false one.
I am amazed at how it snuck up on me; or maybe it was always there and it took this experience to pull it to the surface. Either way, God took the time to show me what was happening in my heart so that I could repent and move forward. I know that life won’t always be so challenging, but it is good to walk through these valleys. I got to see who I really am. God takes these moments to break us of bad habits and push us a little deeper into His secret place.
In the mean time, I have seriously learned to be abased and to abound. I daily kill the part of myself that worried about money, determined to be at peace and trusting that God will provide. And He has not failed me yet. I have NEVER not had what I truly needed when I really needed it.
God bless! And remember, if the Lord is truly your shepherd, you shall not want. He provides all your needs according to His riches in glory which is in Jesus Christ.