It’s Important To Me – Emotional Intimacy In Relationships

I have very inquisitive children—in fact, they sometimes question us (and by us I mean us parents) like the police…or in the worst cases, like a suspicious black lady who’s man is a notorious cheater.  We get inquiries like: Where have you been?  Where are you going? Why did you go there?  Where you at work? Where did you say you were going again? Which student was that?  Why do you smell like that?  Why did you stay so long?  Yeah, like I said, SUSPICIOUS BLACK LADY QUESTIONS (you can laugh here—unless you’re offended, in which case you are the suspicious black lady).

Being so inquisitive and wanting to share in every facet of life, my first born saw me cooking one evening and asked me a question about the process.  I had done something a bit differently than usual, and she wanted to know why.  I, in my frustration (a very long day with lots of questions, okay), said to her, “Is it really THAT important?”

She looked at me for a minute in a way that I secretly love—all seriously contemplating—and responded, “It’s important to ME!”

Whether you like it or not, men and women bring different strengths, weaknesses, needs and desires to the table.  Though I do not like to stereotype, I have to keep it real: most women are far more emotionally demonstrative than men and those outpourings often have that similar, frustrating effect on men as my children’s questions have on me. Guys are always thinking: Is it really THAT important?

The answer is: It’s important to me.

Here’s a scenario.

Your woman seems distant and cold, or a bit passive-aggressively hostile or even just disconnected—checked out on the relationship and your needs.  Yet, when she’s on the phone with her friends or at engaging with co-workers, you notice that she’s all the way live: laughing, talking, flirting, whispering, crying, sharing—all of those things that she hardly ever does with you.  When she’s talking to you, it’s like talking to a robot: she’s pleasant but stiff.  Her eyes are guarded and while she may be having a conversation with you, she does not really engage.  You’ve seen her demeanor change when you walk in the room while she’s on the phone—you could have sworn you heard her crying, but when you come in she’s like a stone statue. And when it’s time for sex…something is slightly off. You don’t feel like she is present—you could be having sex with anybody but your soul mate, boo thang, wife forever.

Guys, we like to share.  And when you shame us into not sharing, you cut off the very thing in us that you love.  Sharing is our life force.  It’s what we’re built on.  We know we are mysterious—hell, sometimes we don’t even understand ourselves—and so we want to help you know us the way that God intended for you to know us.  And that takes lots and lots and lots of sharing because you will not figure it out on your own.

More importantly, when you extinguish a woman’s desire to share with you emotionally, she disconnects from you in every other aspect of life.  Passion seeps out of everything—and eventually even your lovemaking turns into just sex.  Or into nothing at all.  Not because she’s trying to punish you—she’s just not connected to you anymore.  Most women really do not go around having sex random men just for the orgasm.  They make machines for that.

So before you go looking for a new love, gentleman, maybe you should check your interactions with your woman.  It could be that you have made her believe that it’s not important enough to you, and so she’s made you not important to her.

(Author’s Disclaimer: the information in these articles is based on personal experience and some research.  I am not a licensed marriage counselor; however, I do know what I’m talking about.  If you do the things I’m telling you, it will work.  For more faith based approaches, feel free to shoot your girl an email at


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