Now that I’ve shared a little bit with you about what a man wants (respect) and what a man feels (inadequate), I want to speak a little bit of time tell you what he needs: ego building.
The art of unlocking a man’s undying devotion is not sex or money or weave or even food. It is UNQUESTIONING, UNWAIVERING SUPPORT.
Case in point: I have a husband with a very entrepreneurial spirit. He always has a new idea, new business concept, new “next-best-thing”. Some of his visions are awesome; some, not so much. Most of his schemes and dreams don’t work out, but essentially this is not the point. The point is that I Have had to learn to support him. And I’m not talking fake “Aw, that’s nice, honey” kind of support. I mean trying to give him my “Go-Speed-Racer-Go!” each and every time.
Why should I do this? Why not tell him that I know that his idea is not going to work? Why not point out all of the many fallacies in the idea that he’s excitedly pitching to me? Because that is not what he needs.
A very special proverb always comes to my mind when I speak about this: A wise women builds up her house with her hands, while a foolish woman tears it down. When you tear down your man’s vision, his ego, or his trust in you, you are tearing up your life together.
Ladies, you have not been assigned the job of bubble buster in your relationship. In fact, your job is the opposite. Your goal should always be building him up—because when you build your man up, you build up his confidence and your house.
So how do you make that happen? Let me go back to my “case in point.”
My husband likes to create new businesses. Some are spectacular—some are dead in the water. Most, I just am not feeling—I don’t believe in the idea, plain and simple. But the key is this here: I DO BELIEVE IN HIM. And no matter what (seems like to me) crazy scheme he comes up with, I believe in him and his ability to be successful.
Here are the steps that I am learning to take when he inevitably comes to me with something that I am just not sure about. These steps can carry you through his creative process as well help you center yourself and be calm.
- Express enthusiasm for his creative mind. Most men that I’ve encountered (don’t judge me) really think a lot about ways to make money (i.e. provide for you and his family). Most women don’t know how that mind is constantly working because sometime early in your relationship, you blew him off or shut him down as he attempted to bare his soul—hence wrecking his trust in your ability to not reject him.
- Keep the negative comments to zero. He will most assuredly continue to confide in you if you don’t jump on all of the “what ifs” and “how comes” and “what for’s” that will flood your mind. He may not even want to actually do what he’s talking about—he may just need to get it off his chest and as he talks his way through it, come to a real conclusion. He does NOT need you to tell him all the things wrong with his plan.
- If you must respond, do so cautiously but earnestly. Please don’t be: condescending, patronizing, sarcastic, exasperated, irritated, derisive, blasé, humorous, facetious, or just plain cold and uncaring. Show honest concern by asking questions that let him know you’re interested in what he is saying.
- Offer to assist him if he needs you. Your man may actually have a gold mine, okay? So don’t just talk in supportive tones, do supportive things. If he can’t type, help him type. If he isn’t good with budgets, offer to crunch numbers. If his grammar isn’t great, proofread his business plan. If he needs advertisement, pass out flyers to your friends and family members. DO something to show that you’re behind him all the way.
- If he fails or it just doesn’t get off the ground, don’t rub his face in it. “I told you so’s” are for hateful-ass bitches (I can say that because I used to be one). Be kind and encouraging if his plans go awry; be completely silent if the thing never comes to fruition—unless you believe he is simply afraid his really good idea. Then gently encourage him to pursue his vision.
A man with a plan and a woman to back him up is a happy man. He will move heaven and earth for you if he knows that you support him 100%. This is something soooo simple, yet we often fail to do it because our attitudes towards relationships have been colored by the mantra, “men ain’t shit.” Well, I’m here to tell you if you want your man to be THE shit, you can’t go around treating him like he AIN’T. And it begins with your ability to build him up for more than just the bedroom.
(Author’s Disclaimer: the information in these articles is based on personal experience and some research. I am not a licensed marriage counselor; however, I do know what I’m talking about. If you do the things I’m telling you, it will work. For more faith based approaches, feel free to shoot your girl an email at firstname.lastname@example.org)