Writing at a safe distance from my feelings always seems like a good thing–until I hit a wall of frustration because I cannot articulate what I am really experiencing. A bit of that is just personality. I am not British, but I definitely ascribe to that “stiff upper lip” thing from back in the day. My stars also line up in a way that makes me super insular; as an Aquarius, I am totally friendly without ever letting much through to the other side. My upbringing was pretty much “don’t ask, don’t tell” because who has time for tears and woe-is-mes?
I said all of that to say that I have a lot of things that I want to say that are often caught behind the steel wall of my undying need to protect my own heart.
The offensive started quite early on. If you have enough people reject you outright and a few more neglect you in the ways that are meaningful to you, you catch on pretty quickly that perhaps it would be best to close off the important parts of yourself before somebody gets hurts. Namely you. Every new relationship requires that you slip a bit of yourself out at a time like fishing line, poised to snatch it back just in case the person is just like everybody else.
I have spent most of my life snatching back the line to my heart before anyone had a chance to bite. I literally cannot take the idea of being rejected, for my feelings to be discounted.
But (in the words of Alice Walker): now is the time to open my heart. I am releasing the need to protect and defend, calling to myself the love that belongs to me. The universe is responding to my call for the end to lack. I walk in peace, and in this peace nothing is missing or broken. The things which fall away, no longer serve me and the things that remain belong to me.