Today is my birthday. I am now 38 years old.
I have put in work these past 2 years (really amping up the process these last 6 months) to better myself. To make myself whole. To change how I think. To change how I act. To change how I move in the world. I have come a long way from where I was, recognizing that I still have some ways to go before I can claim consistent oneness with the Spirit.
Meanwhile, as I walk head up and crown on into my 40s, I am making a pledge to myself for full scale revolutionary self care that starts with expressing my needs and putting myself first without guilt.
There is always guilt.
If I buy myself something–even something essential–I feel bad. What if there’s no gas money? No money for emergencies? No money for food? What if I need to suddenly buy medicine or pay a copay to the urgent care? What if the car gets stolen while I’m out with my friends? Are the kids or the husband feeling left out because I went out? Guilt. I have 7 panties and 1 bra right now because everything that everybody else needs to be safe and secure and free gets done first. Always.
I have frustrated my damn self being so accomodating to every little thing someone else needs or wants or thinks. Today, I am going to walk in a little selfish and for the rest of this year. I deserve more than just always putting myself last and then having nothing but resentment to show for it.
In this mindful moment, I am clearly staring my guilt in the face and staring it down. I do deserve more. I deserve myself.