Self Efficacy and Self Worth

As a person who has loved words my whole life, I understand how language matters. Being able to give expression to what is happening to you gives you power to overcome it. I actually learned this from Jesus who asked a couple of demons to identify themselves by name before casting it out. Standing in the truth of your personal struggles helps you vanquish them sooner–so long as you don’t get stuck right there in a swirl of victimhood.

My own personal demons have been legion (like the ones Jesus asked to out themselves). If you’ve read a thing I’ve written, you could write a complete psychological profile and color me crazy, lolz. But the one I’ve wrestled with in the darkest night of my soul have come down to my own personal efficacy.

I haven’t ever really believed in my own capabilities–to write, to reason, to create, to think, to complete successfully.

Charge it to a number of games, but my self worth has really been tied up in the way I see my self efficacy. I have not believed my self capable and thus unworthy of anything more than I believed myself able to scrounge up.

Now entering into true maturity at the ripe young age of 38, I look back over my life in wonder. I have done some shit. I mean…there are some folks who would NOT be riding around and getting it without my miracle working head, heart, and hands. I am downright gifted in certain areas where most folks fear to tread. And the people that I made look good and prospered? They knew this; they also knew I didn’t know it.

It has been a real rub on me these last few months to suddenly find myself walking out the very real enlightenment of who I am from where I am. That seems really esoteric–what I mean is that in the midst of this revelation about my personal efficacy, I find myself in a place where that efficacy is severely limited by forces beyond my control. The Aquarius in me suddenly finds myself super restricted because what I have walked into is at odds with who I have walked into being. It chafes, like too tight pants on a hot day.

It isn’t lost on me what price I’ve paid on this road to digging up this new person. I have gone from job to job, paying in tears and sweat to be accepted–all the while being used up before being rejected and cast aside as the liability I truly was: high strung and needy and small, needing reassurance and handholding when the only thing I needed was to recognize myself and the inner light I have as enough.

I don’t think for one second that God wanted that struggle life for me; at the very same time, I know that the lumps and bumps I experienced along the way have worked for my good every time. I have a complete rolodex about how God has touched my understanding at every turn, putting me in places where I should not have been then blessing me with insights that none of my education or experiences prepared me for.

In this mindful moment, I give thanks for being the embodiment of the indwelling of Spirit. I have no doubt now that I am well able and that God has made that so. I honor the efficacy of others, and press ahead to be that lighthouse on a hill signaling to others to reach their own place of realization of worth and efficacy.


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