So listen. I am pretty sure that I’ve pontificated on the sneaky-liar-person that I had been in my not too distant past. And, on top of that, in my own way I’ve given you the dozens of very thought out, incredibly feasible reasons why I had become so adept at lying my ass off. But now that I am wee bit older and a smidge bit wiser, I can (and WILL) call a thing a thing: I lied out of self-preservation like everybody else on earth, and (as it always does when you can no longer remember what is true) it became a compulsion that I’ve spent some challenging years fixing. Years, because the habit took years to form into the crystalline thing lying had become. Challenging, because my God. It was–and to this day when I am backed into a corner–a habit that I could not longer control. I literally had gotten to the point where I would lie for no apparent reason other than the lie made it to my mouth before the truth.
Now that statement right there? Issa “no lies told” kinda statement. I was always astounded that anybody ever believed a word that came out this mouth. I remember my mama all but told me that she didn’t. It was bad. Very bad.
Now, I don’t assume that everyone lies like I have done, an addict to the tangle of that web I have so destructively weaved. But as I have become a much more honest, transparent person, I have noticed that people lie a LOT more than you’d think. Like A LOT. And what is worse? They believe the lies they tell.
I have, through my personal experiences with being what black folks call a bold/bald face liar, come to really understand how it is that Lucifer got kicked out of heaven. Every lie comes from pride–too prideful to let you see me as I am, to look at myself and be content with who I am or change the the things I need to change. The lies make it easy for a brief time to build a person who does not exist but is (in the warp of a lie) better than the one who does.
So I keep shedding the proclivity. I have learned first to say nothing at all, then to say what is true. I have learned to correct myself, careful not to engage in too much hyperbole and frivilousness in my words. I have learned to say no because I am not as impressive as I want others to think. I just want to be as impressive as I am. Hard going, after so many years in the opposite direction. But worth the climb out of falseness if for no other reason than the fact that I am starting to be grounded in a way that is not my nature.
And even better? My pants (and heart and mind and soul) are.not on fire anymore.