Sometimes. I Wonder…

What people think of the things I write. I mean, it must seem so…ummm…conflicted. I can write these long soliloquies about the nature of and revelations about God; I also write about my own intense experiences as a human being, complete with profanity and ire and frustration and jokes and unhappiness and fear. Yet every post is real as I know it to be.

In the moment, I never think about how what I say may be received. I fall into a fierce, almost impulsive need to say what is coursing raging rivers through my mind no matter the possible (and often probable) fallout. I imagine I seem tossed to and fro, like a person swinging between two polarities all the time.

But that’s not what I experience at all.

I hold a very strong belief that part of my destiny lies in my ability to illustrate self awareness, even as I climb through the stages of that evolution. I would feel like I liar and a thief of people’s emotions if I didn’t pull back the mask and say, “Yes, I believe every word I write about God but I also experience some pretty rocky moments inside myself while I’m trying to attain holiness as a way of life.”

I strongly believe that more people would know God if more of God’s self identified people would be honest about the struggles that accompany the grace we preach. God-made-flesh Jesus was human so that He could feel our pain; what am I gaining—what are you gaining from me hiding mine?

I think I’ve said it before somewhere on this blog or facebook, but I’ll say it again: my ministry is manifested in honesty. Being as real as I know how. Plainly putting my ups and downs out there so that you can see that you are not alone in what you face, as much as what you face matches mine. My effectiveness is my ability to share what we all hide: the struggles we face and ways we fight off the demons hiding under beds and in closets and inside our own minds. To name an enemy is to begin to conquer it. And so it is always my hope that in naming my enemies, I’m helping you name and ultimately vanquish yours as well.

I am a spirit nurturing a soul into mastering a body not always wanting to be brought under subjection to the knowledge of Jesus Christ. But I press. I pray that I am helping you do the same. Press.

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