I am not a “new year, new me” person. I happen to think that my growth is not abrupt always, but parallel, interlocking, and continuous. However: I’m no fool, and I have learned a lot this passed year as 2017 tried to take me out by sneak attack the last 6 months. Here are some things that I know for truth now and that I will be intentionally leaving behind in 2017 to have a less heart destroying 2018.
People who like to enumerate all the things wrong with you. Don’t get excited; we all need people who will call us on our stuff. But there are some people who love to create lists of alllllllll that is wrong with you just to feel better about themselves and to feel like the heroes of your story. These people receive some type of validation by pretend Captain Kirking your situation. All the nopes, fam. Don’t receive all their projected negativity and need to be great off your back. You deserve better. This year, I am fully disengaging from that narrative. I am enough, right where God would have me be and everyone will deal while God processes me.
Not spending time with people who love you. As the back side of the 1st coin of wisdom, I am investing more time being around people who love what I love, enjoy what I enjoy. On a personal note: you’ve prolly seen all my posts between here and social media about my lack of friends or how lonely I get. It is just because I have transitioned out of bars and clubs and dranking allatahm and I have been afraid to be a killjoy. And I’ve been totally focused on appearing to be a certain way rather than myself–and not even for me. I now recognize allllll my copouts and am dedicated to enjoying life now: not when the kids get older or I get enough money or after I get finished satisfying everybody else. And I don’t have to club or bar to do that. There are people who love my personality and jokes and wit and insights and perspectives; I need that more in my life. Book stores, poetry slams, and brunch, fam.
Pretending like I don’t have struggles when I really do. I am never one to air the totality of my dirty laundry; nor do I believe in dwelling on my issues. But some problems only get solved when you’re honest about them. Really honest. And since I have a cloud of friend girls willing to help bear me up and call me out, I gotta take advantage. People who got healed by Jesus weren’t to concerned about who saw them asking for help, so I’m finna tuck my little pride back in and go for it. First thing on the list is smoking. My 2018 doctor’s appointment will find me asking for some extra assistance. I cannot keep walking round henh like crackhead Bobby sneaking off to smoke. Issa no go.
Talking about somebody else’s struggles. Listen. If you don’t come to me with it, ain’t no point in me discussing it. I despise people who smile and laugh with folks then tall about them later–not to help them but to dog them. If I ain’t for you, then I ain’t finna engage in beating you up when you ain’t around. If my words don’t edify, admonish, or exhort, I’ma keep em to myself. Later for that self righteousness. LATER. FOR. THAT. SELF. RIGHTEOUSNESS. (Ooo! I feel a Sunday sermon in that one).
Wasting time out of fearful procrastination. See, there’s rest; then there’s outright avoidance. I have been avoiding writing several books because I am afraid. Afraid y’all won’t buy them or read them. Afraid it won’t be good enough. Afraid I’ll be rejected. So I play busy when I need to get busy. It’s too many trash books outchea. One more with my name on it won’t hurt. Plus, mine will be awesome. It will bless you. I got the word; I got these hands when it comes to putting it all together.
Not allowing my heart to heal all the way. Around July?August? I wrote about how God snatched something from me after Spencer’s heart attack. I felt it in my belly. I know what it was now: my fortress. My heart has been broken for so long that I had buried it and left it for dead. But I guess I had said it enough times for it to come to pass. Now is the time to open your heart. And God did. I hurt like a %¥}|+|£@”(/ now, all the time. But the pain has also come with genuine joy and some awesome moments. I’m not crying right now but I will be in a minute. Deal. I love you, even if you don’t love me.
Enjoy your new year celebrations–but before you do: what are you leaving behind in order to move forward?