I have been meditating a lot on love–mostly because I feel it missing in ways that I value on a human level and I’m processing what that means for me at this juncture of life. But also because God is…I dunno. Waiting for me. And it has to do with love.
I read somewhere that someone (I think Lauryn Hill? I’m literally too lazy to look it up right now) said something like, “I’ve stopped looking to be loved and am learning to give love.” Profound. And scary. Because we all want to be loved in the way makes us feel loved. We all have those broken spaces that we place before others and say, “Love me when I’m this bad.” It is rare and lovely when you find someone willing to do that for you.
I haven’t found that kind of love–happy and safe and despite every and all. And the grieving has been intense as I recognize that I don’t have what I dreamed of and that I may never. That that dream might not come to pass quite like I had in my heart. That I may just have to settle for all these ancillary loves, bits and pieces from here and there.
Even in that grief, I feel God pulling me, demanding all the more as I stop to catch my breath: Do you understand what is happening? The question from those months ago ringing in my ears still. Because I don’t understand what is happening. All I know is that this isn’t what I longed for, what I imagined. And all I perceive is God calling me upwards and me not wanting to go. Because I want time to mourn the life that I wanted. Because I think I have earned the right to be angry to have been robbed of my dreams.
But there is no time for stopping. Some grieving must take place on the way to the next thing, stolen moments of tears and suffering while no one is looking. All while learning to love as God loves. All while learning to love myself while learning to love as God loves.
I trust God for what is in my heart; the waiting is hard and bruising. The tears as I keep reciting to myself, “Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not jealous. Love is not boastful. Love is not proud. Love is not rude. Love doesn’t demand its own way. Love is not irritable. Love doesn’t keep record of being wronged. Love doesn’t rejoice in injustice. Love rejoices whenever truth wins. Love never gives up. Love never loses faith. Love always hopes. Love endures it all.”
Love endures it all.
I am enduring it all.
The lonely nights.
Love is making me into someone I thought I’d never become.
Can I even begin to tell you how I struggle?
But in the midst of what is humanly considered “an existential crisis”, God is changing me. And being who I am, I love change–even when it doesn’t feel good because I am beginning to understand that I cannot be too deep in God, and that I want to be as the writer of I John said, “Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.” I want to be as He is.