I am selfish. Not too different from you reading right now, I’d bet. I happen to want what I want how I want it with whom I asked to have it with. Don’t ask me why; you worry about the how. Kthanxbye. Yet here I am. Pushing passed the needy, the whiny, the demander in me. Crucifying her. Killing her. Killing me.
Nobody talks about this part of salvation anymore–if ever. Sure, they talked about fornicating and lying and cheating and wearing long skirts and having tight ankles and prayer chafed knees and empty pocketbooks for the Lord and loud tongue speaking praise and dust raising dances. I heard all about all the ways I could sin, all the trips I could take to hell without doing much more than thinking a bad thought–cuz you know really holy people don’t even think wrong.
But nobody talked about the stain of the heart. The weight of being unloved. The heaviness of being abandoned and rejected. The burden of not being sure of anything, scarcity riding your back like a vicious monkey. The shame of things you didn’t understand but had to carry anyway. The bitterness. The envy. The unhappiness. The rage. Nobody talked about the reasons your ankles loosened up, why your voice became a small whimper against the roar of not knowing your worth.
Nobody taught me my value.
And so I became needy, greedy in the ways that no person could ever satisfy. Desperate and addicted, I lived life for the next hit of whatever it was that I thought I needed–sex, relationship, attention, affection–it was never enough. I burned people out, left and right. And I was never satisfied, only more demanding and never full.
In 2018, God has pushed me down, wrestled me to the ground. I am sitting here looking in the mirror of The Holy Spirit, and it’s not looking good, fam. I am dusty and out of order. God is now the one demanding–and He is demanding that I allow His love to flow through me. To become a conduit for love instead of a bottomless dumping ground of need. My own doesn’t matter anymore; God’s demands are the priority.
So I am sitting here. Meditating. Praying. Listening. Reading. Receiving. Wash, rinse, repeat. I still want, but what I want more than anything else is God.
So I sit.