Last night, I finally dreamed again–not the regular dreams that people get that we usually don’t remember. No, I saw a dream from God. And this is the part where you leave if you don’t believe in God.
When I was little, it happened all the time. At least twice a week. I would dream something so vivid and so specific, that I would write them down. Every time, I would see in the real world some version of what I had dreamt. I would experience whatever situation I had dreamed about and use whatever advice or warning I had been given. I got older and started being “grown” and lost the privilege for a good long while–maybe 10 years? Yeah. Life. But I have been fasting. And praying. And committed to changing things for the right reasons. My heart and mind are opening back up, and this slipped in.
Anyway, here is the dream:
For whatever reason, I am going on a school trip to a television show in NYC. My students will be participating in the show. There are students whom I know right now and some from my past, too. A couple of adults from my current life (whom I’ll not name) are there as well chaperoning. And my husband is there. He has, in Spencer fashion, taken over this trip that I had planned.
He forgets something major that I need for this trip, so the bus driver takes us all back to the high rise/condos/luxury apts/assisted living facility where we live (I know, I know). I have 10 minutes to go in and get what I need or we’ll be late. Problem is, we’ve just moved here and I still get lost, but Spencer refuses to come with me. So I run in, and immediately get lost. And no one will help me. Because we owe them money. But no one will tell me how much despite the fact I have money in my hand.
And I am freaking out. But NOT BECAUSE I AM GOING TO BE LATE. Nooooo, I am worried that Spencer will be mad at me. Disappointed in me. And you know what? I am freaking out so much that I don’t have the presence of mind to try to use my cellphone (conveniently no service when I do check it). I don’t think to ask for a phone. I am spinning in circles, crying and desperate and lost for 2 hours. The bus has left, no one has come to look for me, no one (including my very own husband) has called to check on me. They have left and enjoyed the trip that I worked hard for en texted me after the fact.
I found myself in an administrative office with two beautiful black women. I cannot describe their faces to you. I just remember how calm and caring they were. I was crying and hysterical, and the first woman sat me down and gave me tissues and water. The second took my phone and said, “Oh dear! You have no reception here. Let me connect you to wifi.” I was inconsolable. I felt I had let everyone down. I could feel the contempt because I had failed, again. Fallen short, again. Not worthy, again. I started to hyperventilate.
The second woman said, “Look. Nobody called to check on you.” I wailed. “I should have called them! Let them know what was happening!”
She shook her head. “No text either.” I still cried and cried. “I was just so stressed out, I couldn’t think to reach out or call!”
The first woman looked at the second woman. She shrugged her shoulders, then touched my head. My mind cleared; the bliss was so blinding I almost passed out.
The second woman smiled and said to me, “The thing about cycles is that no one realizes they’re in one until someone else points it out. And the cycle itself is neither dangerous or scary, but it is debilitating, and challenging to break.”
And then I woke up.
On December 31st during watch service, I prayed a prayer to God after my Pastor told us to write down 3 things we wanted God to so for us. I prayed, “God, I want to stop going around the same mountains. I want to move forward.” And as He did with Moses and the Israelites circling the same for 40 freaking years, God replied, “Get thee north.”
There are many, many mountains that I have been circling. And one by one, I have stopped walking. Someone has said to me (in person, in scriptures, in videos, in blogs, in text messages, on TV): “Kisha. Why is it always this thing?” And I have said, “You’re right.”
So I guess the sermon today is actually a testimony of sorts, huh?